The scene is familiar. A white background showing three figures. The first, a balding suit reminiscent of Colin Mochrie but without the charm, stands next to the second, an average looking dude who is probably neither as handsome nor as hip as he thinks he is. They of course represent AT&T and the iPhone. Contrast them to the third, a rail thin young lady with hair that appears to have more gravity than the rest of her. She represents the T-Mobiles MyTouch3G and much like AT&T’s claim of data superiority and likely the device itself, she is attractive unless you think too much about it.
Most of the substance to these advertisements is the comments back and forth between the two devices, which is strangely reminiscent of another series of commercials involving a guy who wrote a book about hobos and another guy whom I want to pelt with dodgeballs. The comic relief is provided by AT&T. The interesting thing about these commercials is that product that is being sold really isn’t ever represented by an individual, which in hindsight seems prophetic as AT&T has recently agreed to aquire T-Mobile. Soon it will be only a memory.
I am not going to waste much space exclaiming why this acquisition is a phenomenally bad idea for consumers, because I think we all know that it is, nor am I going to spend a lot of time trying to compose conspiratorial theories about how regulators could possibly allow this sale to go through as it is a pretty simple case of follow the money. What I am going to do, as the good little consumer that I am, is try to provide a couple of ideas on how AT&T can retain the advertising campaign dollars that T-Mobile has already spent.
Idea 1: MyTouch3G girl walks up to iPhone and AT&T guy and begins apologizing to iPhone for talking so bad A&T all this time. It turns out that AT&T owns the bank that owns her sweet motorcycle (Which represents T-Mobiles 4G network). They all group hug and she gives the iPhone he helmet and he get’s on the motorcycle and rides off the screen.
Possible Markets: Primetime Broadcast TV.
Target Demographic: Current iPhone owners who hate their service but not enough to make the hardware switch to Verizon.
Likelihood of becoming reality: Not bad.
Idea 2: MyTouch3G girl and iPhone walk on screen together hand in hand and find AT&T guy in a laboratory. There are two sheet covered gurneys with tubes and wires running to a box with a big switch on it. There is a sign on the box that says 5G. The two question AT&t as to what he is doing. He laughs maniacally and just as lighting strikes he throws the switch dimming the lights slightly. After a moment the sheets fly off and the look of horror and amazement is shown on the faces of our two intrepid devices as on the gurneys you see the new iPhone 5 and and the
Possible Markets: Sporting Events. Internet Viral. Fox.
Target Demographic: Early adopters. People with short memories. Morons.
Likelihood of becoming reality: Fair to midland.
Idea 3: AT&T walk on screen together and and come across MyTouch3G girl working on her motorcycle. AT&T elbows the iPhone as say “Hey man, wanna double down on this bitch” AT&T giggles, rubs his hands together and walks off screen. The iPhone simply shrugs and follows him.
Possible Markets: The Onion. Auto Racing. MMA
Target Demographics: Douchenozzles.
Likelihood of becoming reality: Yeah, no.